WeIrD dAyZ aT hOgWaRtS
by Odyssey4One
Summary: When Harry awoke from a night of partying, he expected that the Weasley's Product would have strange effects, but he had no idea they would be THIS weird. Humor ensues for Harry when he decided to drink and eat strange candy with even weirder side-effects
1. Some Things Just Don't Mix

Disclaimer – Yeah You don't really need me to tell you that I'm not J.K. Rowling, because if I was then I'm completely sure I wouldn't be doing fanfics and I wouldn't be broke. So again all acknowledgments goes to the all-mighty J.K. Rowling!

This is a re-haul of an old story I wrote a few years ago. It's very random, and very funny. Weirdness will ensue soo you have been warned

~ This pretty much ignores a lot that happened in book 6 and 7 as it is basically a random spoof of the Harry Potter Universe ~

_**Weird Days at HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY**_

**Chapter I**

**Of Candy And Alcohol **

For once in Harry's life he was certainly not counting on anything to go wrong.

It was his first day back at Hogwarts, and he was planning on starting his 7th and final year there with his two best friends Ron and Hermione on a good note.

Harry had his mind made up, he was absolutely going to have a having a normal year... well as normal as possible that is, considering he had a murderous raving lunatic after him that had been trying to kill him since he was like one.

BUT no his fate had other plans for him this year!

Harry had awaken particularly early on his first official day back in the castle. He made his way drowsily over to his trunk and grabbed some clean clothes, along with his dress robes and made his way sluggishly to the shower.

By the time Harry had left the bath the rest of the boys were up and stammering around blindly in the dormitory, looking for clothes and anything else.

Harry slowly walked over to his bed and sat down looking out his window at the blue sky, and green lands surrounding the castle, yes he was definitely back home.

Ron came stumbling over to his bed and sat down, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, and yawning wildly.

"Their planning on having a little beginning of the year party in the common room later tonight to honor our last year here at dear old Hogy Hogy Hogwarts!"

Ron yawning again as he stood up from Harry's bed.

"Oi almost forgot, Fred and George are sending some of their products today to sort of eer test them out, so be **warned**!"

Ron finished talking to harry, before walking over to his own bed and laying out across it trying to get get a few more minutes of sleep

Harry, Ron, and what seemed like everyone else in 7th year Gryffindor sulked through the entire day of their classes. Everyone was waiting impatiently for the party later that night.

Well that is everyone but, Hermione. Unluckily for her though it did finally come.

The party that night was anything short of ordinary, or small as Ron had so graciously put it that morning for harry.

Fred and George had somehow mysteriously managed to send in 5 crates full of their latest products.

Including a few such as: _Mountain Mothballs, Forget-Me-Not toffees, Crack smackers, and Dimension Shifters. _

Nearly everyone in the entire common room had tried at least one of the products from the twins for fun. They were all so very tempting, and their reactions where usually very amusing, getting many laughs from the students.

Also, not to forget to mention nearly everyone in the room was completely smashed. Both Seamus and Dean managed to get their hands on 3 bottles of Fire Whiskey, and smuggled them into the the common room. The results were disastrous, but funny non - the – less.

Lavender had puked in Padma's hair, Neville was running around the fire place with no shirt on, the words, "I love my pet plant" written over his chest. While Ron had somehow been jinxed, as he had passed out hours ago, and was now sleeping on the sealing.

Hermione was the only one that refused to join into the festivities.

She had locked her self in the girls common room and did not come down **once**. (**It was even said that if you got close enough to the girls common room, that you could hear her mumbling to herself and cursing the lot of them down at the party...**)

Harry honestly had no idea what time he managed to crawl drunkenly back to the boys dormitory, but neither did anyone else, they were all far to plastered and screwed up on Fred and George's products to even care-

Harry himself had bravely been the only one to want to try the _'Dimensions Shifters''. He_ was highly disappointed though, as nothing had happened when he bit into the large, soft red candy earlier that night.

Little, however did he know that his world was about to be drooped of the Astronomy Tower then Pimp Smacked in the face.

What lay next to Harry's bed was one of the candy wrappers (**close** **up**) which read,

" _**WARNING do take while under the influence of alcohol, side affects may vary"**_

_**Doing the happy dance, "REVIEW...REIVEW...REVIEW"**_


	2. Mrs Snape?

Disclaimer – Yeah You don't really need me to tell you that I'm not J.K. Rowling, because if I was then I'm completely sure I wouldn't be doing fanfics. Soagain all acknowledgments goes to the all-mighty J.K. Rowling

**_Weird Dayz at HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY_**

_Chapter 2_

**_Mrs. Snape?_**

Harry awoke the next morning to the vary annoying voice of his best mate Ron Weasley.

"Harry, Harry wake up! If you don't get up now we may be late for classes!" Ron was poking Harry irritatingly in his side.

Harry rolled over in his bed groaning, placing his pillow over his head trying to cover out the noise, while kicking at Ron, attempting to stop his pesky poking.

"I WILL NOT be late, because of you, and jeopardize my marks!" Ron said again, now almost hissing at Harry

That was it, something couldn't be right. Ron worried about being late for classes.

"All right all right I'm up!" Harry mumbled sitting up in his bed looking blurry eyed at his friend. "Since when do you want to get up for class Ron?" Harry asked rubbing the sleep from his eyes and now clearly looking at Ron.

"What! I've got a HEAD BOY REB TO UPHOLD!" Ron spat out nastily at Harry, who was now laughing so hard he was about to fall off of his bed.

"Hea- Head Boy-Ron your not Head Boy, the only person with the title of Head anything in Gryffindor is Hermione. Oh my God, that's funny, I've never heard anything so ridiculous." Harry said out of breath from all the laughing.

"Hermione...Hermione Granger Head Girl?... Oh Merlin' that'll be the day- Look whether you believe me or not, I am head boy and I've worked really hard for the past six years to get this position, I'm the smartest boy in nearly a century to attend Hogwarts, and I not about to just let you up and screw up my standings!"

Ron finished his statement in one quick breath , his head tilted high in the air in a Hermione like way.

Harry scratched his head in confusion, now just left looking at Ron weirdly questioning, what the hell he took yesterday?

"Ron this is really really weird okay...so please do me a favor and stop joking like that!"

Harry said getting up with his clothes in hand and starting off towards the bath.

"Right smartest boy in the year, the day that happens Snape will turn sweet!" (_**pun intended**_).Harry finally disappeared into the washroom. At that moment Ron started shaking his head "You have no idea mate, you have no idea!"

...

Sometime later after the worst shower on earth _(__**no hot water**__) _Harry emerged from the bath and made his way down into the common room with Ron and sat down for a brief moment.

"Hey where's Hermione?" Harry asked out loud to Ron.

At the precise moment the words left his mouth every head in the common room turned to him in shock.

"What did I say!" Harry asked looking confused at the lot of them.

"Why da ya' wana know were Granger is?" Ron asked with his head bent down so only Harry was able to hear him. His eyebrows were furrowed in a quizzical way.

"Ah maybe because she's are best friend Ron!" Harry replied to Ron just as quietly with a fake smile on his face.

"No she's not, that girl doesn't have any real friends... she's more of what you call a beneficial friend or either a Scarlet Woman!" Ron said this in a matter of a fact kind of way, his index finger was pointed in the air as he spoke.

"Oh that's rich Ron! Wait so let me get this right, your head boy and Hermione you've just openly called a whore!"

"We'll to but it bluntly- YES!" Ron finished off lamely as he looked at his friend who indeed, must have been sick. Maybe he'd been hit by a rouge' bludger and lost his memory he questioned in his head.

"Okaaay... let's just get to Potions class!" Harry stated stupidly as the two walked out of the Portrait Hole.

...

For the first time in Harry's life he was genuinely scared, and not for his life, but for his sanity!

Potions was anything close to typical. Harry and Ron for the first time in their 6 years of attending potions class sat in the front of the room, due mostly to Ron protesting that he needed to see the notes on the board. Although that , even was not even the most unusual thing to happen.

Within only 2 minutes of being in class Snape walked in, but like Harry had never seen before!

Professor Snape strolled into the class, calmly wearing shiny red hills, a way way way too short red dress, and he was made up like a woman. _(__**Think Dr. dr Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror Picture show and you'll get the picture) **_

"Now Class if you would please turn to page 371 in your Potions book!" Snape addressed the class in a low husky woman's voice.

Harry nearly chocked, and screamed out loud when he saw this all. Iit was truly sickening.

"Mr. Potter, do you need to remove yourself from my class?"

Snape walked over to him running his thin, pale hand, that was covered in blood red nail polish along Harry's shoulder. Harry shuddered and threw up a little bit in his mouth., before he answered in a stuttering horsed voiced.

"Na..no- sir- Mrs-. I mean.. er..professor... no!"

Snape removed his hand from Harry with a curt smile, before going back up to the front of the class to teach.

Harry bent his head over to Ron and whispered to him.

"Since when is Snape a woman?"

Harry asked Ron still staring at Snape in a disbelieving manner.

"Oh no, he's a man some days!" Ron stated, before starting to take vigorous notes.

Harry only managed to nod his head in confusion before a student quickly walked into the class and over to Professor Snape.

Harry's eyes immediately snapped onto the figure that was in-front of the class giving Snape a tardy pass and the he could only utter 3 words.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

hope your all enjoying the story.


	3. Dumbledore, The Wise and High'

Disclaimer – Yeah You don't really need me to tell you that I'm not J.K. Rowling, because if I was then I'm completely sure I wouldn't be doing fanfics. So again all acknowledgments goes to the all-mighty J.K. Rowling

_Weird Days at HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY_

Chapter 3

**Dumbledore, The Wise and High'**

There, stood in-front of the entire class was Hermione, however she was not like Harry remembered. No she was very very very...different from the way Harry had last seen her.

She stood in the front of the class in a revealing, skin tight skirt, a pink tank top and a pair of hooker boots.

"Ms. Granger this is the 15th time in 1 week that you've been late to my class!" Ms. Snape spoke in a high air as he looked at the scantly clad young woman.

Harry furrowed his brows in confusion at his statement.

"Sorry! I'll try and be more on time...next time" Hermione said making her way to her seat which was behind Harry.

Harry was beyond confused by this point, and he found it quite pleasing in a sick way... that he'd never understand.

Exactly when did Hermione start wearing clothing like this exactly, and how had not noticed for all these years now that she such a nice... figure?

"Are you enjoying the view?"

A voice broke Harry's from his thoughts, and his head immediately left her legs. He was now staring directly into her eye's.

Giving a shy smile, Harry turned around in his seat blushing a deep crimson red.

He began to write notes as he listened to Snape's lecture.

"Now can anyone of you tell me what a Freygren potions does?" Snape asked peering around the class in a very feminine way, his hands on his hips.

He looked around the room to see if any of the students knew, when Ron's hand shot up in the air.

"Ms. the Freygren potion is dated back to the 19th century Egypt, were it was used to help crops grow quicker during the dry months!" Ron spoke with a proud glow about him.

"That's very good Mr. Weasley 10 pointies' for Gryffindor!" Snape added giddily with his had on his hip.

"Yeah and it's also known to be a aphrodisiac!" Hermione stated causing most of the class to laugh at her comment.

"You really are quite vulgar you know!" Came a voice from the back of the room.

Harry turned around to yet another shock.

There in the back of the classroom sat a messy haired Malfoy with thick rimmed glasses.

"We'll at least I'm no dirty mudblood who cant see strait even if his life depended on it!" Hermione shot back nastily to him. The whole class roared out in laughter.

Harry watched the weird Scene take place in front of him.

Malfoy looked at Hermione for about half a minute then broke out in tears, before storming out the room in one quick flash.

"Somethings really not right here?"

Harry shook his head and began to take more notes quietly as the rest of the class went by, not saying a word to anyone.

He would go and visit Dumbledore right after class to try and get a hold on what exactly was happening!

…...

By the time Harry finally had made it to the stone gargoyles at the entrance of his Headmaster's office, he had seen enough weird things to last him a life time.

Harry stood in front of the gargoyles and rapidly began firing out sweet's names hoping that one would open it, however not a single one of them worked.

Harry then, out of frustration kicked the left gargoyle.

He screeched out in pain and cursed, which mysteriously made the gargoyle animate and then move.

"That's the Freaking password'... dammit? What the hell is going on around this place?" Harry screamed as he started walked up the stairs angrily.

"What's up Harry my man!" Came a strange voice from the back of the office.

"Hello' who's there?"

Harry questioned, searching around the room when suddenly Dumbledore came from around a statue carrying a box. He too was dressed quite differently.

He wore brown ripped baggy jeans, a tie-dye shirt and around his hair, which was in a pony tail he wore a bandana.

Harry turned his head to the sealing whispered to himself

"Please for the love of god, just kill me now!"

"Duuude, like please sit down!" Dumbledore told Harry, sitting down himself.

"Sir Id really like to ask you something?"

Harry finally sat down looking seriously at his headmaster. He was intent on figuring out what the hell was going on.

"Yeah like man' I know... please do have a M.J. Jaw Breaker, their great, will help mellow you out Harry my man."

He took a handful of strange looking green balls form a candy bowl on his large oak desk, then in his mouth with a smile.

"Um sure..." Harry said grabbing a few and chewing on them.

They had a VERY interesting flavor about them.

"Well you see Sir last night there was this party and we had some special products in to try- WOW these are really good sir!"

"Anyway I woke up today after trying one of them the night before and now everything is really messed up in this school-WOW Sir' if you don't mind me asking, but what are these their so strange, yet soo very good!"

Harry now starting to feel really strange.

Oh they're made from the same stuff as this baby right here!"

The headmaster replied happily holding up a a small pot, in it was a funny green plant.

"Ha haa Haaa, sir that looks kinda like cannabis!" Harry said, now laughing out loud.

"Yup, that's cause it is, M.J. Is short for Mary Jane man!"

Dumbledore was laughing also.

"WHAT!"

"That's really marijuana? you can't have that in the school!" Harry screamed now beginning to panic and trying to keep a strait face.

"Like chill man don't you know that marijuana was once used for healing purposes." Dumbledore stated calmly waving his hands in the air.

"Yes! and it also gives one the feeling the your floating on thin air and can be superman!" Harry dully stated, getting up from his seat.

"I'll be seeing you Professor, goodbye!"

With those last words Harry left from the office felling slightly light headed.

…...

"I honestly can't believe they'd send something like this to a bunch of kids."

Harry was sitting on his bed later that evening with Ron reading the old sweet's rapper from the previous night.

"Look at this! Its a Warning label on the back. If taken under the influence side affect WILL vary... such as preferred reality that your switched into will have strange occurrences!" Ron was holding up the rapper reading it to Harry

"It was supposed to change my dimension for a week into something of my liking, instead it turned it into a bloody nightmare!"

Harry started violently banging his head into his bed rest.

"Sounds like your shit out of luck for a week mate! Come on though, let's get to the dining hall, I'm starving!" Ron stated getting up quickly and walking out the boys dormitory.

"Somethings will never change!" Harry said also walking out.

THANKS FOR READING :D


	4. What The Hell Happened 2 Your Face!

Disclaimer _ Yeah again I'm not J.K. Rowling, cause if I was her I don't think I'd have much time to be writing Fanfiction, oh and I'd be absolutely bloody rich... and I'm not! (crying) Hey I'm lookin_g into getting a Beta reader cause honestly my spelling is rubbish and the story is laced with grammatical errors... I don't see how you people read this? So if any of you would be interested in being my beta please let me know!)_

_Weird Dayz at HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY_

Chapter 4

**What The Hell Happened 2 Your Face!**

Harry made his way sluggishly to the Great Hall for dinner that evening.

All of this was just a little to bazaar for him, and honestly he didn't know how many more shocks he could handle in one day.

He made his way over to the Gryffindor table and seated himself to the left of Ron and plied his plate with as much food as he could.

Maybe he would be able to think better on a full stomach he though as he placed a huge spoon full of pudding into his mouth.

Harry graciously asked whoever sat in-front of him to pass the salt as he looked down hungrily at his plate.

"Here you are Harry!" the voice answered out to him handing him the salt.

Harry immediately realized the voice to be that of Ginny's. He looked up happily to say thanks when he was greeted with one of the most hideous sights he'd ever see in his 17 year old life. (Completely worse the Voldy)

Ginny was smiling toothily at Harry as she normally did, with her hair almost glowing from the light of the Great Hall...however,

her face looked as if it had been run over by a tractor

then hit repeatedly with a bludger,

and finally stuck in bubotuber pus.

"My lord!, Ginny what the bloody hell happened to your face! You look worse than.-"

"HARRY!" Ron shouted stopping Harry from finishing his sentence and making a rude comment about his younger sister. He peered over at his best friend giving him a the death eye.

"Sorry Gin, I meant no harm I was just... er a little shocked is all!" Harry added dumbly, trying not to look at the large bulging boil on her chin that looked as if it would pop any minute now. (Ewwww! sorry Gin)

"No It's okay Harry this happens every time the seasons change, I've gotten used to it now!" She said with a dull smile.

Harry was about to try and apologize further to her, when he was cut off by non other than Hermione, The Girl With No Limits Granger.

The girl plopped down in the empty seat next to him with a vile smile...

"Hermione"

Ginny looked at the older girl now next to Harry trying to keep a smile on her face, but failing miserably; whether due to how puffy her face was, or the fact that she just did not like Hermione was unknown.

"O' hello Ginny, you know you should do something about that boil on your chin, it's actually quite nasty!"

Hermione poured herself some pumpkin juice and took a sip from it.

"Hey! Don't talk to my sister like that!" Ron shouted slamming his goblet on the table with a loud thud, gaining the attention of half the hall.

Hermione's eyes quickly shot to Ron and she gave him a evil smile.

"Sorry dear Ronald or should I say Head Boy!" Hermione said bluntly which shut Ron up quickly.

"Now, Harry how have you been doing?" Hermione asked sweetly as she placed her arm around his shoulder, causing Harry to stiffen up. She then moved a loose strand of hair from his face as she brought her lips to his ear.

"Why so tense Harry... you should loosen up a bit."

Hermione whispered to him and she placed her hand on his thigh and started moving her fingers seductively (or either sickly? YOU decide!)

"Ahhh I have to go now!"

Harry screeched out as he stood , quickly starting off towards the doors trying to get away from his, newly perverted female best friend.

"Oh I'll come with you!" Hermione added getting up quickly too.

Harry stopped his walking only to scream out one word

"NOooOOoooo!" Then quickly ran out the main doors and out of sight.

"You are such a slut!" hissed an irritated Cho from the Ravenclaw table.

"Thank you soo much, and you should have graduated by now!"Hermione replied sarcastically, before going back to eating her dinner.

…...

Harry laid in his bed looking at the sealing that night. He had no idea how long he had been doing it, and he had no idea how much longer he would be doing it.

Sadly after about only another 15 minuets of gazing at the sealing Harry heard the door of the boys dormitory open and was greeted with a vary red Ron.

"What's wrong with you?"

Harry quickly sat up in his bed questioning what had happened to him, and in a way not wanting to know really.

"It was that crazy Granger! She tried to stick her tongue down my throat in the corridor just a few moments ago!" Ron stated flabbergasted.

YES! Harry's conscience was right, he didn't want to hear what had happened.

"I gave her a detention for that one!" He said flopping down on his bed and yawning out loud

"What's wrong with you mate?"

Harry looked over at Ron with anger pouring from off him. How could he ask him such a stupid, more rhetorical question!

"Well lets see I'm in another world that's a spin-off of my old one where: your smart and Head Boy, Hermione makes passes at anything that moves, Ginny looks like the DAMN Crypt Keeper, Draco is a muggle born nerd who cries at Hermione's snide comments, Snape is sometimes a woman, and did I forget to mention that our Headmaster seems to be a pot head!" Harry said all in one long breath.

"Oh wow, kind of feel bad for you there mate. Sorry about this whole situation, but at least you only have 6 more days! " Ron said stretching across his bed.

"Oh brilliant' I can't wait to see what's in-store for me tomorrow!"

Harry groaned as he closed his eyes as he drifted off to a peaceful nights sleep... yah right, more like a nightmare of Hermione trying to rape him whenever she saw him and Ginny popping up in Random places scarring him with her atrocious face! (Ahw Sleep well dear Harry...sleep well!)


End file.
